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Is the goal of a marriage to be conflict-free?
Let’s hope not, seeing as how it is inevitable even in the best of relationships. My wife and I (we have been married for 42 years) have very different personalities. We have had seasons of differing needs and expectations. Throw in “life” – financial challenges, illnesses, work responsibilities, parenting demands – and any marriage will be tested. Ours certainly has.
So, what separates relationships that fall apart and ones that stand the test of time? According to a recent report in The Washington Post, it’s how couples approach conflicts that matters. Or as Anthony Chambers, director of Northwestern University’s Center for Applied Psychological and Family Studies, puts it: it’s how they fight that matters most.
Yes, “compassionate, validating communication” matters.
Yes, the “ability to recover and reconnect after things go off track” matters.
But according to Chambers, and the research that backs him up, one mindset underpins it all: “seeing each other as teammates, not opponents.”
The research, as found in a meta-analysis, revealed that “we-talk” – language that frames partners as a unit – was essential to relationships surviving and thriving. The reason is that it promotes more positive conflict. “To have a resilient relationship,” says Chambers, “you must have a shared commitment to overcoming challenges together, and that means remembering you are on the same side even when you’re in conflict.”
There simply has to be a sense of “us.”
“If you take time to nurture your relationship and build a strong foundation, you’re more likely to feel like a unified team,” said Tamara Afifi, a professor at the University of California at Santa Barbara who studies communication and resilience in relationships. “That, in turn, affects the way you perceive and engage in conflict and, ultimately, your ability to be resilient.”
That’s not just true for marriage. It’s also true for Christian community.
Translation: the Church.
The foundation of Christian community is akin to marriage in that we are to consider ourselves a family. Brothers and sisters in Christ. The New Testament even encourages us to consider our relationship with each other in Christ as even more binding than our family ties.
Yet too often, we look at our fellow believers as anything but; thus opening the door to even the pettiest of conflicts and disagreements as grounds for animus and separation.
When Chambers works with couples in conflict, he often encourages them to think of it as a game of catch rather than a tennis match.
“When you’re playing catch, it’s slower and more intentional,” he explained. “You’re gently tossing the ball back and forth, sending and receiving, listening and responding.” On the other hand, he said, tennis is fast and adversarial, with each person trying to score the next point and emerge the winner…. Chambers said it’s a helpful baseline to return to when you feel yourself arguing as opponents instead of tackling conflict as teammates.
It’s worked for my wife and me for 42 years.
It’s also worked for the church I’ve led for 34 years.
Sources
Anna Borges, “The One Thing Strong Couples Do When They Fight,” The Washington Post, Oct. 9, 2026, read online.
Alexander Karan et al., “Meta-Analytic Evidence that We-Talk Predicts Relationship and Personal Functioning in Romantic Couples,” SageJournals, Aug. 23, 2018, read online.
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The views expressed in this commentary do not necessarily reflect those of CrosswalkHeadlines.
James Emery White is the founding and senior pastor of Mecklenburg Community Church in Charlotte, NC, and a former professor of theology and culture at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, where he also served as their fourth president. His latest book, Hybrid Church: Rethinking the Church for a Post-Christian Digital Age, is now available on Amazon or from your favorite bookseller. To enjoy a free subscription to the Church & Culture blog, visit churchandculture.org where you can view past blogs in our archive, read the latest church and culture news from around the world, and listen to the Church & Culture Podcast. Follow Dr. White on X, Facebook and Instagram at @JamesEmeryWhite.
Originally published October 19, 2026.
